I'm back...almost...

Secara mental nya, i was not ok..bukan nya aku gila kah apa...just that recently things has turn really2 bad for me...i was like a zombie...mcm bangkai bernyawa...imagine a few days straight aku x makan....minum aie kosong jak....bkn sengaja mok diet ka apa...p d sbb kan risau gilak masalah aku ya, i feel like something squeezing my stomach whenever I see food...dolok bkn main gik makan, pantang x makan...tok shari2 i can survive on plain water and 1 small bun...


I feel like a baby yg baru belajar berjalan...i try to stand up but keep on falling down...tiap kali ku jatuh, the pain bcm more intense...


some ppl who are not in my situation mesti pkr pahal lah emo gilak miak tok...but i tell u once upon a time, pabila org lain melalui apa yg aku lalui, dlm hati ku, aie..kuat kan semangat bah....jgn gago gilak hal tok, u have to move on...now oni i realise cakap memang senang..once u r in the situation, sakit nya unbearable...rasa mcm mati gik bagus...p don worry...commit suiside x main k...takut Tuhan ow...


So pass few days...i try to be strong...i pray rosary day and night..i need peace in my heart and strenght to live my life...but everytime I tot I'm ok, by night time or the next day, I fall again...sakit...sangat sakit...if physical pain, i can put oilment, but sakit hati...mok sapu apa?


I try to stay away from laptop and FB as best as i could. So far 3 days off from FB so far, but today I online cos I need to check on something.


I've made a stupid mistakes and I sincerely ask for apology from them, but non reply me...I was hurt in the 1st hand but then again I was the one who apologize cos in a way, i made mistake but why do I can't be forgiven? sedangkan I humble myself...asking for apology...


I feel so lifeless and I've lost weight in this few days...i dono how much exactly but one thing for sure, i lost weight. Imagine I can slip out from my fitted jeans without unzipping it. My shortpant is loose at the butt area (not good! My beloved butt shrinking?!!), my belly is flatten which is quite a happy thing for me...everyone around me are quite concern about me, my family and friends...never seen me falling so hard like this. I was unimaginably devastated and are dead.


Last night I feel much better. I'm able to dream which mean I can sleep for more than 2 hours without waking up in the middle of my sleep...last few days, I woken up every 2 hours...I feel terrible...Even tho I dream, but the worst part is the dream remind me of my prob....bad...it makes me fall again....

I try to be strong....I now totally depend on God for strength and peacefulness...

I still can't eat a lot but slowly...I try to eat something...Today I manage to finish 1 cup of nestume for breakfast (an improvement cos I owes skip bfast last few days) but a few fishballs for lunch...I can't swallow anymore...I feel like throwing out...

My 14 years old sis is concern..she voice her concern yesterday asking why did I eat so little cos I use to eat a lot...all I can tell is I dono...I feel like throwing out when I see food...even food reminds me of my prob...


My fren told me my prob is not a prob but is a challenge for me to grow up...I try my best to survive, be strong...I will but for the time being...i will not push myself too hard or i will end up in Kota Sentosa hospital..not cool..